Hi lovelies, I’m going to be honest. Today hasn’t been easy. This day comes around every year but every year it feels like a slight shock. Mum’s birthday is never easy. It’s the reminder of someone I had but lost and a time in my life that was just too short. A time that was taken away from my dad, my sister, me and my mum. It’s the reminder of how horrible cancer is and how it can so rapidly take someone away from you.
I have been thinking of the right thing to write to do her justice all day. Trying to find the perfect photo for this post and sadly realising that I don’t have many of them. Most of them are back home in Sweden.
This is how I started writing about day today and it could’ve been how I finished my day but coming back to writing this post now I feel differently. The moment I realised what day it was I was on my way to the gym and just wanted to turn back and go home and cry. But I didn’t. I knew that if I would get there everything would get easier and it did. It’s my safe place. A little bubble I can escape into for a while. It’s amazing what exercise can to for your mental wellbeing. That didn’t last all day but I’m so glad I went.
One thing I have learnt about loss and living with the loss of a loved one is you cope with birthdays and other significant days that remind you of them in different ways. Some years it’s really tough and other years it’s a bit easier.
I used to feel guilty about the easier years. Like somehow I’d become immune to the pain or simply didn’t care as much about mum anymore, which is absolutely not true. Today it was difficult but I sit here in the evening feeling okay and way better than I did this morning.
I was booked in for an event this evening with lululemon and Grayson from the Good Life Movement. The evening was about living a life that you love (one of my goals at the moment is to find what I love) and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to go but in the end I decided to anyway just to be around people and I’m so happy I did. Your saddest moments is when you need people around you to bring light. I saw so many faces I hadn’t seen for ages and it really made a difference, I didn’t feel so alone. I felt slightly happy despite the pain.
I actually find it difficult to allow myself to feel happy on the anniversary of my mum’s death or her birthday. I felt like it wasn’t allowed but the more I think about it the more I think this isn’t at all what she would’ve wanted me to feel when I think of her. Most of the time I cry when I allow myself to properly think about how I miss her and wonder what she would be like but I would love to reach a day where it was okay to feel whatever I felt in the moment and that it would be okay for me to feel that. Not feeling guiolty about being happy.
Grayson’s talk was amazing and resonated a lot with me. One of the things he said that really stuck with me was “Your thoughts have no power unless you give power to your thoughts”. It’s so true, because it is all in your head, the pressure, the “what ifs”, being scared and so many other thoughts. It was definitely a talk I needed today and speaking to people who mean a lot to me helped me so much.
Afterwards Kate and I went for tea and just spoke. It was nice to just have someone to speak to and not be alone with my thoughts. I’m an overthinker and if I’m left alone my thoughts can wonder a lot so it’s good to keep busy and do things which allows my mind to work instead of wondering away too much.
What I wanted to say is, this could’ve been a horrible day if I had let it be. It could’ve so easily been a day of me sitting at home alone not doing anything and being sad. Don’t get me wrong, I was still sad but I didn’t let this feeling stop me from living my life and instead I felt that I wanted to do something to make mum proud. So applied for a job, went to this event and met loads of people who gave me amazing energy in my time of need.
Don’t be alone when you feel sad. Surround yourself with people who you love and who understand you. Do things you love and make you happy but if you absolutely feel like having a cry, that’s okay too. This year in July it’s been 20 years since I lost my mum and it still hurts. That hurt will never go away but you will go through different stages of living with it.
I’m sorry about the long rambly text, I’m just hoping to help someone out there who is going through the same thing. You’re not alone and if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.
To mum, I love you and I always will. I’ll miss you forever and hope somewhere some day we will make up for all the time we lost. I hope to make you proud and I know you are somewhere watching our lives unfold. Don’t ever forget, we wish you were here.
Love, M xxx