20 years, almost a life time

31/07. God this date is never easy. Especially not this year, 20 years since we lost you, you lost the battle to cancer. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I’ve been dreading this day so much. I’ve been crying loads. Not sure how to handle it. It’s crazy how a date can bring so many buried emotions to the surface. After all those tears over so many years, there are still so many more to cry over you. A date is just a date after all, another day without you mum. Words aren’t enough to describe my thoughts and feelings today. Nothing can come close to describing what this is like.

It felt so heavy getting out of bed this morning. I managed to get to G5 for class before heading to the office. I felt so heavy, everything felt tough. I felt like I was fighting for every rep. I felt out of breath. Running felt like it went on forever but I got through. I know that no matter what goes on in life, the gym helps. Training helps. I get to focus on something, less on how I feel. I can shut out the world for just those minutes. Today it was tough though and I was close to tears at some points but I got through.

Loosing someone and going through life when you’ve lost someone is like having a really deep scar. You once in a while see it and are reminded of that time, that amazing person. Then sometimes this scar opens up again, starts bleeding. The pain comes back, you are once again reminded of how much it hurt but once it’s healed you’re okay again until it happens again. You might not think about the scar for a while, it’s just there, a part of you.

To be honest I have no idea how to handle this day, after 20 years you think I would’ve found a way to cope but you can’t. Grief can come and knock you down when you east expect. it. One thing I have learnt is that it is okay to be sad, it’s okay to cry. It’s also okay to not cry. It’s okay to be okay and not feel sad too. Some days it hurts so bad, other days you don’t feel anything at all. It’s okay. Just feel what you feel, accept it. Don’t feel guilty if you feel okay.

I’m still learning to not feel guilty of my emotions when it comes to mum. Guilty to be happy and not feel sad. Feeling silly to cry like a baby because I miss her. It’s perfectly natural to miss her but somehow I still find it difficult to talk about it. I feel like there’s not much to say by now. I miss her, I wish she was here. I’m sad I’ll never get to know her. I’m devastated for my family who lost her far too early. I’m sad she didn’t get to be live a longer life.

I’m dreading this day. I have no idea how I’m going to get through it but one thing I’ve learnt by now is that I will. I will get through. It will be okay. I feel like I’m walking into this day as though I’m driving without a seatbelt on, no safety net. Exposed and vulnerable. I have no way to protect myself. I’m worried my emotions will crash into me at work and overwhelm me. But I do know pain passes and life will feel beautiful again. We only have one life and we need to enjoy it even though we’ve lost loved ones. As much as we love them. Feeling pain I think is a sign of how much love there was. Even though I was barely five I know she loved us so much. I miss that love, her but I know she loved us much as she possibly could before she couldn’t fight anymore, before she had to leave.

I know if she could be here today she would.

Anyway this is all I could type today. I just need a day to digest and come to terms with my emotions. Let myself feel what I need to feel to work through it. Does it get easier with time? Yes and no. Yes because you learnt to live with it somehow, but also no because there’s the anniversaries of her, birthdays she’s missed, graduations I wish she would’ve been there for. Phone calls we could’ve had. Mother daughter time we’ve missed. Future weddings, children. Of course you wish she was there. More than anything.

I love you mum, I’ll never stop missing you. Never stop thinking of you. I know you’re watching wherever you are. I hope you are proud.

M xxx

Coconut & Kale pop up // lululemon Glasgow

Post yoga raw granola with homemade almond milk. Insanely delicious!

Raw brownies, raw carrot cake, raw buckwheat breakfast bars, raw kale chips, raw energy balls… The girls had gone all out!

Look at that carrot cake slice!

No one has missed I’m a massive Coconut & Kale fan. Faye and Jas, the ladies behind this amazing business, are friends of mine so I’ve had the amazing privilege to try a lot of their incredible creations. They are two very busy ladies who always have a million projects going on so catching them serving their stuff, like they did yesterday at lululemon Glasgow is rare but so worth all that wait in between.

The day started off with yoga in the showroom in the morning. John Collins led the class which was quite dynamic and strong. I’ve become more of a fan of the restorative classes recently but his class was amazing. Both Faye and I were sore from our G5 session on Friday morning and wow did we get a good stretch in our sore legs. My favourite part of his class was the heart opening stretches in the shoulders and chest. It felt incredible! It’s probably the area I’m the most stiff and tense in. I’m going to try and do some of the stretches we did in the class regularly to try and ease the tension. We’ll see ho it goes!

After class we all got to try out Coconut & Kale’s raw granola with their homemade almond milk. It was heavenly! Whilst everyone was nibbling away I helped the girls set up their table of goodies. I just wanted to buy everything. It was all too tempting!! I got to try small samples of nearly all the food they brought along and it was just one incredible taste experience to the next. They truly have a gift these ladies.

I stuck around for a while just trying to support in anyway I could and then headed off to see Jamie. I didn’t leave empty handed, how could I?! A bag of granola, a tub energy balls and raw kale chips got to come home with me. The girls also gave me a raw vegan chilli salad and a slice of brownie as a thank you. They truly didn’t need to as I love to help them if I can in anyway just because I want them to open up a shop here in Glasgow but I couldn’t say no if they were offering me more food hehe.

The girls mentioned that they are hoping to do more events and pop ups in the future so keep an eye out on their Instagram and FacebookThey take orders as well!

Picnic in the park

Hi lovelies! The other day it was a sunny weather forecast for the evening in Glasgow. My heart was set on having a picnic with Jamie in Kelvingrove Park. All day it was overcast but I had my hope that as the around 6/7ish in the evening the sun was going to come out and brighten up the evening. That’s what the forecast had told me.

The clock continued to tick towards 5 then 6. Jamie and I prepped our picnic and despite it looking very grey we prepared our food. We chopped up a salad and carrot sticks and I had also bought some hummus, rye bread and olives. Jamie got some sour cream and chive dip as well as charcuterie for himself. I added chickpeas to my salad for a bit for substance. It wasn’t too cold outside so we figured either way we could head down to the park. Desperate people living in Scotland in need of a proper summer haha.

We got to the park and just then the sun came out and it was shining for an entire 20 minutes… Slightly disappointing but we still had a nice time together. We tend to eat dinner in front of the TV usually so it was nice to have an evening of just each other’s company. We brought Uno with us to play as well before it got a bit too chilly to sit outside.

Sometimes it’s the small simple things like bringing some simple food out on a blanket outside and enjoying each others company whilst playing one of your favourite childhood games together that are the most special.

Paleo Protein Bar Cocoa Brownie // The Primal Pantry

My search for delicious snacks continues! I’ve been a fan of The Primal Pantry’s bars for ages. I love their natural wholesome ingredients. Their bars always taste freshly made, some bars can be a bit hard after being packaged for a while but not these. If I’m out and about they’re great to have in my bag or pick up in the shops to keep me going. They’re also a great for when you’re craving something sweet.

Protein bars are not really something I tend to eat because as soon as you read the ingredients on the back you realise how much rubbish they’re filled with. The majority of the time you barely even know what the ingredients actually are. Therefore, I’ve stayed away from them. So when Primal Pantry announced on their social media they were releasing a protein bar I was intrigued, I knew it was going to be pretty good considering the ethos behind their company. I couldn’t wait to see what it was like.

Recently I was in a Co-op close to work looking for snacks and there it was. Of course I had to buy it and try it out. I was so excited, a protein chocolate brownie sounded pretty amazing! I love the limited amount of natural ingredients used in the bar: coconut nectar, dates, hemp protein, cocoa powder, cocoa nibs and almonds. Clean and simple without any weird additives. Why couldn’t all protein bars be like this?!

I couldn’t wait to have my first bite. Wow, it was so good. I’m obsessed with cacaoa nibs and they added an incredible crunch to the bar. They’re not as nutty as the other Primal Pantry bars so they are more soft in the consistency, which was nice.. It tasted like an indulgent dessert instead of a protein bar. Crazy good! I pretty much swallowed it whole, I couldn’t help myself. I’d pick it up again in a heartbeat when on the run.