20 years, almost a life time

31/07. God this date is never easy. Especially not this year, 20 years since we lost you, you lost the battle to cancer. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I’ve been dreading this day so much. I’ve been crying loads. Not sure how to handle it. It’s crazy how a date can bring so many buried emotions to the surface. After all those tears over so many years, there are still so many more to cry over you. A date is just a date after all, another day without you mum. Words aren’t enough to describe my thoughts and feelings today. Nothing can come close to describing what this is like.

It felt so heavy getting out of bed this morning. I managed to get to G5 for class before heading to the office. I felt so heavy, everything felt tough. I felt like I was fighting for every rep. I felt out of breath. Running felt like it went on forever but I got through. I know that no matter what goes on in life, the gym helps. Training helps. I get to focus on something, less on how I feel. I can shut out the world for just those minutes. Today it was tough though and I was close to tears at some points but I got through.

Loosing someone and going through life when you’ve lost someone is like having a really deep scar. You once in a while see it and are reminded of that time, that amazing person. Then sometimes this scar opens up again, starts bleeding. The pain comes back, you are once again reminded of how much it hurt but once it’s healed you’re okay again until it happens again. You might not think about the scar for a while, it’s just there, a part of you.

To be honest I have no idea how to handle this day, after 20 years you think I would’ve found a way to cope but you can’t. Grief can come and knock you down when you east expect. it. One thing I have learnt is that it is okay to be sad, it’s okay to cry. It’s also okay to not cry. It’s okay to be okay and not feel sad too. Some days it hurts so bad, other days you don’t feel anything at all. It’s okay. Just feel what you feel, accept it. Don’t feel guilty if you feel okay.

I’m still learning to not feel guilty of my emotions when it comes to mum. Guilty to be happy and not feel sad. Feeling silly to cry like a baby because I miss her. It’s perfectly natural to miss her but somehow I still find it difficult to talk about it. I feel like there’s not much to say by now. I miss her, I wish she was here. I’m sad I’ll never get to know her. I’m devastated for my family who lost her far too early. I’m sad she didn’t get to be live a longer life.

I’m dreading this day. I have no idea how I’m going to get through it but one thing I’ve learnt by now is that I will. I will get through. It will be okay. I feel like I’m walking into this day as though I’m driving without a seatbelt on, no safety net. Exposed and vulnerable. I have no way to protect myself. I’m worried my emotions will crash into me at work and overwhelm me. But I do know pain passes and life will feel beautiful again. We only have one life and we need to enjoy it even though we’ve lost loved ones. As much as we love them. Feeling pain I think is a sign of how much love there was. Even though I was barely five I know she loved us so much. I miss that love, her but I know she loved us much as she possibly could before she couldn’t fight anymore, before she had to leave.

I know if she could be here today she would.

Anyway this is all I could type today. I just need a day to digest and come to terms with my emotions. Let myself feel what I need to feel to work through it. Does it get easier with time? Yes and no. Yes because you learnt to live with it somehow, but also no because there’s the anniversaries of her, birthdays she’s missed, graduations I wish she would’ve been there for. Phone calls we could’ve had. Mother daughter time we’ve missed. Future weddings, children. Of course you wish she was there. More than anything.

I love you mum, I’ll never stop missing you. Never stop thinking of you. I know you’re watching wherever you are. I hope you are proud.

M xxx

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